I was fortunate to grow up in a home where I was taught to believe in God, taken to church most every Sunday and as a Catholic made my first Communion at age 7 and Confirmation at 12. I never doubted the existence of God and even contemplated becoming a nun in my teenage years. However, my belief in His love for me was another matter. My parents divorced when I was Thirteen only increasing the hole in my heart that I had yet to understand the source of. The reason for the ballet shoes is that my aunt had a dance school which I was put in at the age of two. It started out in the basement of my grandmothers home before my aunt had her own studio. As a result I spent a lot of time with my grandmother and the man I affectionately knew as my grandfather, though not by blood but was the husband of my grandmother, both now deceased. The amount of time there exposed me to being molested by the man I knew as my grandfather. As best as I can remember I was a toddler at its onset and somewhere between 7-9 when it stopped.
Anyone who has ever gone through anything similar knows that the physical damage is probably the least of what is left to overcome. Sadly it was the shame and guilt cultivated by my grandmother that was far worse than anything physical I had endured, not to mention the loss of innocence that occurred before I even knew such a virtue existed.
With all of this having influenced my self image in a very negative way and only growing worse the older I got, it wasn't any wonder I ended up on drugs at the age of 14 and for the first two years of high school spent pretty much every day high on marijuana which only further damaged my self image and perception of the world. Self medicating was the only way I knew how to cope with the pain in my heart that the source of would only be uncovered years later.
As most people know, along with the drugs was a less than pure life when it came to relationships. My inability to satisfy my need for love (or rather my distorted perception of it) and acceptance left me open and vulnerable, which only added to the shame and guilt I was now buried under.
Fortunately at the age of 16 I dated a guy who was also raised to believe in God, however, his upbringing also gave him a belief in the Love of God, not just His existence. As a result of his involvement in my life, I gave my life to the Lord. God knows, I knew it was a mess. So while I failed my first two years of high school, there was such a radical change inside of me, I quit drugs and ended up graduating with a 3.9 GPA. I desired to go to college, however as radical and miraculous as the changes were in me at that time, my self image was still very distorted. I decided to forgo college and move to Texas and shortly after I was married. Over time I ended up back in the drug scene trying desperately to escape the pain of my past that as of yet I still had not come to understand the source of. I knew some was from my parents divorce, but I knew that there was something more that I just could not understand. I was not aware that in order to cope with what had happened when I was so young, I had literally blocked it from my memory. Four years into my marriage I got pregnant with my first daughter, quit drugs once again and started attending church again. My hunger and desire to live a life God would be pleased with fueled my determination to "know" Jesus not just know about him. Sunday after Sunday I would look at the cross at church on which Jesus hung wondering "who are you"? I knew there had to be more. Thankfully I discovered there was, however it was not until my daughter was two and her father and I by this time had divorced.
I was working full time and the Lord sent a woman who was just one year older than I to work next to me. I knew God had sent her and she gave me much understanding that up to that time I had been lacking. While I had given my life to the Lord at 16 I had not really spent enough time reading the bible so that my identity could become rooted and grounded in Christ rather than the identity my past had given me.
Anyone who has ever gone through anything similar knows that the physical damage is probably the least of what is left to overcome. Sadly it was the shame and guilt cultivated by my grandmother that was far worse than anything physical I had endured, not to mention the loss of innocence that occurred before I even knew such a virtue existed.
With all of this having influenced my self image in a very negative way and only growing worse the older I got, it wasn't any wonder I ended up on drugs at the age of 14 and for the first two years of high school spent pretty much every day high on marijuana which only further damaged my self image and perception of the world. Self medicating was the only way I knew how to cope with the pain in my heart that the source of would only be uncovered years later.
As most people know, along with the drugs was a less than pure life when it came to relationships. My inability to satisfy my need for love (or rather my distorted perception of it) and acceptance left me open and vulnerable, which only added to the shame and guilt I was now buried under.
Fortunately at the age of 16 I dated a guy who was also raised to believe in God, however, his upbringing also gave him a belief in the Love of God, not just His existence. As a result of his involvement in my life, I gave my life to the Lord. God knows, I knew it was a mess. So while I failed my first two years of high school, there was such a radical change inside of me, I quit drugs and ended up graduating with a 3.9 GPA. I desired to go to college, however as radical and miraculous as the changes were in me at that time, my self image was still very distorted. I decided to forgo college and move to Texas and shortly after I was married. Over time I ended up back in the drug scene trying desperately to escape the pain of my past that as of yet I still had not come to understand the source of. I knew some was from my parents divorce, but I knew that there was something more that I just could not understand. I was not aware that in order to cope with what had happened when I was so young, I had literally blocked it from my memory. Four years into my marriage I got pregnant with my first daughter, quit drugs once again and started attending church again. My hunger and desire to live a life God would be pleased with fueled my determination to "know" Jesus not just know about him. Sunday after Sunday I would look at the cross at church on which Jesus hung wondering "who are you"? I knew there had to be more. Thankfully I discovered there was, however it was not until my daughter was two and her father and I by this time had divorced.
I was working full time and the Lord sent a woman who was just one year older than I to work next to me. I knew God had sent her and she gave me much understanding that up to that time I had been lacking. While I had given my life to the Lord at 16 I had not really spent enough time reading the bible so that my identity could become rooted and grounded in Christ rather than the identity my past had given me.
It was in the ongoing surrendering of my life and heart to Jesus that the process of healing and restoration continued. But it is a process, and one which requires our active participation. Through reading Gods word on a consistent basis, my mind was renewed and the distorted self image restored. He took away all the guilt, shame and self hatred that had become my identity and replaced them with purity, dignity and honor through the knowledge of Him and His love for me. But the outward evidence of that transformation has been in ever increasing measure over time. Because of His unconditional love and relentless pursuit of my heart, living the life Jesus died for me to have has become my reality. Coming to know God as Father has filled an immeasurable void no amount of therapy or drugs could ever fill. There really is victory in Jesus for whosoever will believe in him.
It is out of the beauty Christ has given me from the ashes of my past, that my passion and desire to impart truth God has planted in me to empower and encourage others to press through the pain, the darkness, and remnants of their past to find the life that Jesus died for us to have emerged. Salvation gives us eternal life but that life begins here on earth in a vital intimate relationship with the Father and Son through the Holy Spirit. There is a kingdom reality to be made manifest through the life of every believer that bears witness of the truth that is in Jesus, and it is my prayer I will manifest that reality through my life and inspire others to do the same.
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