Don't Hide

     While in search of a rough copy of a poem I wrote a few years ago I came across this writing, and since being “unveiled” is about transparency  this is a great glimpse into the honesty of my relationship with the Lord. I am amazed how much He has changed me since I wrote this. This was after an offer on a house  was not accepted. I was disappointed at the time but he had something much better in mind.

Christ loves me the way the Father loves him. I am to abide in Christ’s love.

     This is the problem with me. I have not been abiding in Jesus’ love for me. Even in spite of all the revelation he has given me on this, even as intensely as I have felt His love, I shamefully admit that lately I have not been abiding in it. I’ve been abiding in everything but. Dwelling in unbelief, doubt, worry, fear, anxiety and on and on the list goes. I have felt like I am failing at my relationship with you. So I hide. If I hide it is impossible to abide. I can hide or abide but I can’t do both. I think also that I have allowed myself to be offended by you because sometimes I don’t like the way you do things or don’t do things. Or how you don’t tell me what is going on, even though you don’t owe me an explanation, I feel entitled to one. That’s a whole other problem in itself. I not only have preconceived ideas about me and my life, I have preconceived ideas about you! How foolish. I told you I’m not very good at this intimacy thing. I knew I would mess it up somehow. Please forgive me for my horrible presumption. If the truth be told I was not only disappointed about the house, I was actually offended out of pride, pride in myself because I seldom pray about material things. I thought you would be impressed. I’m sorry.

     No matter how hard I try to avoid it, I still have pictures and boxes in my head that you for obvious reasons are under no obligation to fill. How is it after all these years and all I have been through there could be even one shred of doubt in me that you know better? I really didn’t think I thought that, but I know it is true. Why is it so hard for me to surrender? It’s like a constant battle. Sometimes it seems to me like I did some things better when I was a baby than I do now that I’m mature. Why is that? Sometimes I am angry that your will means I have to suffer—I’m sorry. It’s not that your glory isn’t more important to me than mine, it is. But to be honest, sometimes I’m angry about what that means for me. Because of some dreams I had that have never come to pass and having to accept that some never will, even though it’s not your fault, somehow I blame you. Somehow it causes me to question your sovereignty, your almightiness. I know to the tips of my toes all of this is wrong, but the truth is, it is what I feel and I need to quit hiding it (not that I can but you know what I mean),or pretending I don’t feel this way. I guess it’s like Jonah being angry about the vine. I am so sorry.

     I don’t understand how I could end up here, offended at you, offended at the God who loves me, offended at the one who gave everything to redeem me.  Please have mercy on my soul; please forgive me for all the things I think and feel that I know are so wrong. I know that you already know this so why pretend? I have to be honest with you. Even though it scares me to think what others would think about me if they knew I felt this way. How awful. What’s worse is I’m not sure how to fix this. Don’t know if this is something that can be “fixed” actually. Let’s face it, you came to save sinners, I should be at the top of the list. I obviously need some help here.

What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.  
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow.
No other fount I know,
nothing but the blood of Jesus.

    Jesus can handle our honesty, without it there can be no intimacy. We are the ones who have a problem with what we really think and feel sometimes.