I stood in my closet feeling frustrated because I realized I would have to put off some things I needed to do for at least another day and instead pay a bill because a check we were expecting had not come in. My daughter was coming in from out of town in a few days and I felt like I was running out of time.... But before I turned to the Lord for help He met me with His finger on a place in my heart I was not aware of. There is no mistaking the finger of God upon ones heart because nothing else feels the same way. All of the sudden I found myself standing there crying telling Him how sorry I was for an attitude I didn’t even know I had as evidenced by my frustration.
God I am so sorry for thinking it was OK to put you to the test to fix a situation. For thinking I was entitled to get away with not doing the ‘right’ thing (do what I want to do first and pay the bill after the check comes in) since Lauren is coming and that because of everything we've been going through (financially) you would look the other way. Forgive me for thinking you wouldn’t pay attention or that somehow because of my past you would require less of me. That kind of thinking comes from a victim mentality that has no place in the heart of those who belong to you, how foolish of me. It isn’t even about the money it’s about the attitude of my heart and about my erroneous perception of you, who is a holy God.
I wish I could say it was a one time incident but the truth is, this attitude had caused me to feel frustrated a lot in recent months but this time God had had enough.
Hebrews 12:5-11 “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his child.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate children at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had parents who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 Our parents disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Although I don't consider myself to be one with a victim mentality, at least not compared to how I used to be (which is probably why I was not aware of the root of my frustration), later as I pondered all of this I realized this can cause a lot of problems. It allows us to justify actions and behavior that doesn’t have any place in our lives as believers. Our standard isn’t what the guy down the street is doing, or even ourselves at an earlier time, our standard is Christ himself. Being a person of integrity means doing what is right in the eyes of God all the time even when it hurts and no one else would be the wiser. We are foolish if we think God is going to let us get away with anything if we belong to Him. We are to endure hardship as discipline and be glad that we are being treated as a child of God.
My Pastor said recently concerning life as a Christian, “Not everything about it is glorious”. He is correct, at present it isn't all glorious. If you were led to believe upon giving your life to Christ it would be, I am sorry. But Paul says,
At the time Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane fighting his flesh to surrender his will in order to fulfill the Fathers will, it wasn’t glorious, the glory came after the cross. The sooner we come to terms with this, the easier it is to walk in obedience. Obedience must be unconditional, I think that is where we get tripped up sometimes.
"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us”. Romans 8:18
At the time Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane fighting his flesh to surrender his will in order to fulfill the Fathers will, it wasn’t glorious, the glory came after the cross. The sooner we come to terms with this, the easier it is to walk in obedience. Obedience must be unconditional, I think that is where we get tripped up sometimes.
One of the biggest problems with a victim mentality, no matter how minute, is that it keeps you focused on your past rather than your future.
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