After meditating on the
Pastors message yesterday on the parable of the sower which was probably the
best I have heard on the subject, I have had a few thoughts, well maybe more than a few.
I
responded to the alter call afterwards, I very rarely let an opportunity pass
by to allow the Holy Spirit to deal with anything I might be overlooking. I so much do not want to be the person with the heart in which the word is choked by thorns. It
is something I have even routinely prayed about.. However, I knew yesterday that was me at that moment even though I didn't completely understand why. I couldn’t help but find myself feeling that
Pastor Paul's description of the plant with all the foliage yet no fruit could not
describe me better, or at least that is how I feel. While I would not ever describe myself as a
superficial Christian, but to be honest recently that is how I
have felt. It was not until today that I understand why. The Lord had recently revealed to me through a dream that I was being influenced
by a religious spirit although I was at a loss initially to understanding
‘how’. The most common ways we imagine
that spirit operates in manifesting is in being judgmental, not free in our
worship, holding to the traditions of man etc... but that isn’t the way it was
manifesting in my life which I believe is the reason it went undetected.
In his message Pastor Paul said, one
of the things that will cause our hearts to get hard besides sin, is not dealing with past hurts. While I have extensively dealt with hurts from
way in the past, I was not dealing with the more recent hurts and pain of loss
I have experienced the past couple years, at least not to the degree I need to. Possibly
just enough to be compared to putting a band aid on, which I of all people know
is never enough. The world is full of
people who live their whole life that way and I believe is the reason so many
Christians never live the abundant life Christ died for us to have. While my intentions for not doing so had the
appearance of being right, the results have made it obvious it was the enemy
masquerading as an angel of light.
I
am not one to ‘play’ the victim and totally refuse to embrace a victim
mentality. While the idea in itself is
good, I had done that to the extent that I was not being honest with myself or
God about the pain and hurt that is occupying my heart. I do not want what I have been through to
become my identity nor the pain and grief either. I also wrongly believed that acknowledging
the pain, grief etc. was somehow accusing God of wrong doing, which I know in
my heart would be wrong, but again it was the enemy masquerading as an angel of
light. I should know better, I have
already written about this very subject.
I guess because in the past the hurt and pain were caused before I came
to know the Lord, or because I didn’t obey Him or was the result of what
someone else did, it somehow took on a different form altogether. This time was different in that so much of
what I have experienced was the result of ‘obeying’ rather than not. Think of the disciples obeying Jesus to get in the boat to go to the other side of the lake, only to find themselves in the middle of a storm. Sometimes it is easy to assume obedience means everything will be hunky dory. Oh, how wrong we can be!
For whatever reason I could not reconcile acknowledging my pain as a result of obedience with out it seeming like I was blaming God for the fact that I hurt if that makes sense, which is why I just ignored it. I thought it was the only thing to do. I also thought that was the thing to do if I was moving forward in faith. Somehow I was deceived into thinking that confronting the pain and sense of loss I feel was synonymous with doubt and unbelief, which as anyone who knows me knows, is another thing I won’t tolerate in myself. Much of this is the affect of being influenced by the ‘religious spirit’ that God revealed to me in my dream.
For whatever reason I could not reconcile acknowledging my pain as a result of obedience with out it seeming like I was blaming God for the fact that I hurt if that makes sense, which is why I just ignored it. I thought it was the only thing to do. I also thought that was the thing to do if I was moving forward in faith. Somehow I was deceived into thinking that confronting the pain and sense of loss I feel was synonymous with doubt and unbelief, which as anyone who knows me knows, is another thing I won’t tolerate in myself. Much of this is the affect of being influenced by the ‘religious spirit’ that God revealed to me in my dream.
My preconceived idea of what loving God with
all my heart is suppose to look like and the reality of it not matching left me
feeling that the only thing to do was to just keep putting one foot in front of the other with the expectation that over time the pain would go away. However, in the process I was actually ignoring what was going on.
I am sitting and listening to soaking music, something I have not done for a long time, only because of the pain it causes me to feel. It reminds me of when I used to listen to it all the time and soak in His presence which in turn caused me to dream, to dream dreams that I only partially experienced come to pass. But at the same time it takes me back to my prayer room, to what my life was like at another time, another season. Somehow I have believed that missing my life as it once was is like Israel coming out of Egypt and not being willing to move into the land of promise. My self not wanting to be guilty of the same thing had refused to ‘feel’ fearing I would be doing just that. Such a lie!
I am sitting and listening to soaking music, something I have not done for a long time, only because of the pain it causes me to feel. It reminds me of when I used to listen to it all the time and soak in His presence which in turn caused me to dream, to dream dreams that I only partially experienced come to pass. But at the same time it takes me back to my prayer room, to what my life was like at another time, another season. Somehow I have believed that missing my life as it once was is like Israel coming out of Egypt and not being willing to move into the land of promise. My self not wanting to be guilty of the same thing had refused to ‘feel’ fearing I would be doing just that. Such a lie!
I
had suspected for some time that part of the reason the Lord led me out of my
job was for the purpose of giving me time to ‘deal’ with some things I was
previously ignoring to some extent due to a lack of time. Unfortunately, due to the deception I have been walking in, the more
distant the Lord seemed to be the more unwilling I was to face my pain
believing that what my pain and grief were saying about me is the reason He was
distant to begin with. Again, such a
LIE! The only thing that has kept me grounded is knowing I had heard from Him
in my decisions which have changed my life so much to begin with. I accepted a transfer with work which moved me to Katy and in that process I was also led to physically leave a marriage that had been failing for several years. Six months after my transfer I was led to leave my job altogether. While all of that was going on I also lost my house which God had miraculously kept us in
for six years. I felt like acknowledging
the pain and grief was saying to Him that what He had already done wasn’t enough. The fact is that no matter what the grief or
pain I feel over losing my house says about me, I have to acknowledge it. I can’t keep sweeping it under the rug and
pretend it isn’t there. It’s not like
Jesus loves me less even if hurting over it does mean something I would rather
it didn’t. I miss my house; I miss my
yard, I miss being outside with the flowers and the birds and lizards. I miss hearing my pool running. I miss my
cats which I also lost, one to running away, the other to getting hit by a car
while in the care of someone else. I
miss my kitchen. I miss my prayer room
and the time I would spend there with the Lord.
I miss walking in the expectation of Him showing up and saving us,
saving our house. I miss life with Mitch
before the strokes, before breast cancer, before going to work. I miss the times we spent
after work in the pool, cooking dinner at 8 at night in the summer. I miss a
lot. I have to own that regardless of
what is says about me or my heart or my love for God for that matter. It is who I am, at least at present. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to move on with
God, but I of all people know that if I am to move on I have to let Him heal
me, all of me. In order to do that I
have to be honest with Him about what is really there and whether the intention
was right or wrong it isn’t something I have been able to do until now.
I know this post is long, but it is probably one of the most raw, honest things I have posted in a while. My previous work did not afford me much time for reflection which ultimately affected my writing and in turn affected posting to this blog. I write as I do because this is real and authentic life with Jesus from the heart of a person who really does love God. God doesn't walk with people whose lives are perfect and pretty all the time, the people he used in the bible is evidence of that.
October 31, 2016
October 31, 2016
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